In the past weeks, every morning I go for boxing before coming to school, by throwing punches and sweating, I try to vent my pressure, anxiety, anger, and all the negative feelings, to restrain my emotion and keep calm at school.
Unfortunately, it didn’t work.
I got a horrible tutorial with a person who knew nothing about me but judged me by her stupid prejudice, she asked me one question and expected me to gave her the one and only answer, I didn’t, so for her, I was totally wrong, she was forcing me to change into the way how she did art, but I insisted on my own way, because I am stubborn too.
She said, “You need to learn how to be a student.”
“You need to learn how to be a tutor. ” I responded.
It was my mistake, to sign up her tutorial. For people who don’t understand you but only force you by prejudice, conversations won’t work.
There is a fire inside me urgent to burn out, I can’t restrain anymore. I can’t talk to her anymore. I continued to paint my corner but can’t control my brushes , I split paints on the unfinished wall, I was so angry.
Looking at the painting I did in the past days, it’s too structured and restrained, I need to destroy it, I need to vent my accumulated anger over the past weeks.
So, I used my brushes, my paints, my hand, my strength, my energy, my anger, to scrawl, splash and punch.
When I painted based on myself, you asked where are others.
Now I put others, you asked where are you, even without seeing me finish the walls.
FUCK IT. YOU JUST WANT TO SHOW HOW SMART AND EXPERIENCED YOU ARE.
Where am I ? Where am I ? I AM EVERYWHERE !
Did you see it ? Did you see it ? EACH BRUSH IS ME !
In the end, I threw all the references prints, cups, gloves, brushes on the ground.
I’M TIRED .
Royal College of Art, London